Who am I ?

I am caught up in a paradox between “who I am” and “who I want to be”. This question could be about the fact of my being or the ontology of self.

What is existence? What does it mean to say that something does not exist? Why are we here?
“What exists”, “What am I”, “What describes me”, all seem to be the unfathomable questions, for which understanding their real meaning itself is so strange to me.

Or are these questions a result of who I am willing to be publically and who I am in my private life. Today we live in a celebrity culture where we have eroded the distinction between our public and private lives. They have become difficult to be defined individually. This has more to do with the system of the society today and what it preaches and what it does. It has something to do with our desire to be exhibitionistic.

I am still figuring out what it means to live, how to live and adapt to this fast changing world. I am really clueless about what I am doing and what I want to look forward at. More so, why I want to look at what I want to look or am looking. At times I try to deceive myself with an irrational excuse of temporary numbness and loss of focus. Such recklessness and loss of focus will lead me to nowhere.

What do we live for? People say the answer is happiness. But aren’t we busy chasing short lived, unfulfilling, and always thirsty pleasures and voyeurisms. One question that comes to my mind is that why can’t we starve these desires of the same temporary pleasures just as they starve us. Will that be the kind of mastery I am looking for?

My life flashes past by me. Which one is faster, the flashing past or the blazing present? Or am I not able to catch up with anything? How excruciatingly painful it becomes when you realize that time has made you succumb to mediocrity. Where is that unbeatable euphoria to respond to the challenges that seemed unconquerable? Is it all about the adrenalin rush that you have for a shot span of time when you want to achieve something. Something for your happiness. But I have long back shoved that euphoria under my pillow. The dreams have gone underground. But what makes me do that is the same question about the purpose of doing everything and anything. What will I achieve by conquering another challenge? What is its purpose? I know, it will just add another black feather to my ego and my exhibition of achievements. But this ego does not give me any real happiness.

Every human being longs to be happy and remain untainted by sorrow. We have the greatest love for ourselves. How selfish? In the fight for livelihood & sustaining ourselves we forget to live. We fail to identify that happiness is inherent deep inside us. Happiness is for us to discover. I need to wake up from the sub conscious sleep and experience the joy of life. But how do I do it? Do I need to be more sensitive towards my surroundings? Do I need to be more responsive to the world?


Should I revisit the question – “Who am I?”

Am I just this physical body and the five – eye, tongue, ear, nose & skin - organs of sensory perception? I am not the five organs of external activity. Am I the five – respiration, digestion, circulation of blood, perspiration & excretion - vital forces? I am not the five vital forces. I am not even the thinking mind. Neither am I the unconscious state that has the latent impressions. I am a being free from all functional activities and am unaware of the existence of the objects of perceptions around me. What I am is an awareness, of existence, consciousness and bliss. If my mind subsides then the perception of the existence of this world ceases. But then after the perception of the world as an objective reality ceases, can we realize the Self.

What is the mind made up of? Is it thoughts? This mind is a unique power. Can we remove all thoughts from our mind without realizing that mind is made up of thoughts? It is the mind that is referred to as ‘I’ and the very form of Self. It is the mind that is called the ego or the soul.

Any thought that comes to our mind is primarily the ‘I’ thought and for me my bundle of thoughts has been just ‘Who am I?’ This ‘I’ thought generally manifests itself into either selfishness or a consummation of the suppressed desires. I think that any thought arising in my mind is constantly a quest to enquire ‘Who I am?’ This has led to an introversion of my mind and ultimately my thoughts subside. I have practiced this method of self enquiry since my early adolescent days and I feel that my mind has acquired the power and strength to believe in its source. I want to preserve this strength but what worries me is the threat from the lack of focus in life that I have started to feel.

It is always pleasant under the shade of a tree. A person toiling under the sun seeks the shade of the tree. However once he stays there for a while under the cool shade, he moves about and again not being able to bear the merciless heat of the sun. Such unwise men keep on repeating the same mistakes but he wise one never leave the shade. The mind of the ignorant one succumbs to and experiences the pain and anguish of this world whereas the wise one experiences the happiness. This happiness lies nowhere but within our thoughts.

To question “Who am I in bondage?” and to know one’s own nature is liberation. It is important to keep one’s mind tuned within and believe in self. Mind can be associated to good as well as evil. Other people generally appear evil minded but it should not affect us in any way. Also one should not interfere with the life others.

If the ego rises all else will also rise. If it subsides, all else will subside. The deeper the humility, the better it is for us.

Like oil in the seeds, butter in cream, water in the sea bed, fire in the tinder, the self is within the soul. Fire though present in the fire stick is not perceived unless on stick is rubbed against the other. Thus the self is hidden within the soul and it can be realized only through meditation. For the purpose of self realization we need to first control our senses and then harness our mind. The self, the inner reality can be seen behind the physical presence.